A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass, he found the following note on his office door:
- Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the croos as the Big T!
- When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", He did not say, "Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry."
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.