Table of Contents
Chapter I
Chapter II
Appendix I
Appendix II
Appendix III
Appendix IV
Appendix V
Appendix VI
The Final Appendix

Appendix III

50 fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

  1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Then turn it in a few minutes early.
  2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"
  3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is a long answer/essay exam, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
  4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
  5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate you answers with yourself out load. If asked you stop, yell out: "I'm SOOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
  6. Bring cheerleaders.
  7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?
  8. Bring a Gameboy (or Gamegear, etc....). Play with the volume at it's maximum level.
  9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this questions on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative!
  10. Bring pets.
  11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say: "They've found me, I have to leave the country", and run off.
  12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air, and yell out "Merry Christmas!" If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat the process every fifteen minutes.
  13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
  14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on you head, and nothing else.
  15. Come down with a BAD case of Turret's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
  16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
  17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest you.
  18. As soon as the instructor hands out the exam, eat it!
  19. Walk into the exam with and entourage. Claim you are going to be taping you next video during the exam. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
  20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect you things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
  21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
  22. Do the entire exam as if it were multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, etc....)
  23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all the questions and answers blackened out.
  24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down, violently scream out "Fuck this!", and walk out triumphantly.
  25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone is done, they are all leaving after one hour to do drink).
  26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy)
  27. Every now and then, clap twice repeatedly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. Duh!!!"
  28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
  29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera," until they drag you away.
  30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
  31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing loudly, say, "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our lives is on!"
  32. Bring your water pistol with you. Nuff said.
  33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to Bridge over the River Kwai.
  34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
  35. If the exam is math of science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most of the equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
  36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
  37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
  38. Bring cheat sheets to another class (make sure this is history notes for a calculus examotherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for reference as you see fit."
  39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
  40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. try to work it out of him/her.
  41. One work: Wrestlemania.
  42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
  43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
  44. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
  45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
  46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc.... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
  47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
  48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
  49. Bring a musical instrument with you and play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the student handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "I told you so!"
  50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor XXXXX Sucks!"

Megan, Christine, Phoebe - Click to Enlarge

Phoebe, Ashley, Christine - Click to Enlarge

Ways to Confuse Your Roommate...

  1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
  2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over experience, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say: "It's not funny anymore."
  3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
  4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about 15 minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out", and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
  5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make a milkshake every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
  6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
  7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.
  8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
  9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
  10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist..."
  11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
  12. Get a can of beans. Label them "Jumping Beans." Eat them and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them "Dancing Beans." Eat them and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them "Kill Your Roommate Beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
  13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
  14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge of Allegiance" with you every morning.
  15. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something you roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
  16. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash" and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
  17. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, Who's that?" everytime your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
  18. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.

Why ask Why

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they but Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes; why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for and address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Stupid Men Jokes

What do you call a man with half a brain?


What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Bonds mature.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?

One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?

I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand the criticism.

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" show. They had a man born with both a penis and a brain.

What do you have when you have two little balls in you hand?

A man's undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

1. No mind.
2. No business.

How is a man like a snowstorm?

Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?

He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why are men like laxatives?

They irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?

A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep from grazing.

If men got pregnant...

abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Why do men name their penises?

Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Did you hear about the man who won the god medal at the Olympics?

He had it bronzed.

Why do men like masturbation?

It's sex with someone they love.

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?

Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity?

144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

How many men does it take to make popcorn?

Three. One to hold the pan, and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What's a man's view of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?

"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4,000 stereo in it.

Why did God create man?

Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
"How sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "Where?"

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?

To keep the swelling down.

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This page was last updated on June 28, 1998.