Chapter I

It Was Dark and Stormy Night... - a collection of front hall's worst one sentence novel beginnings

1. Vera moaned, and, releasing an offensive belch, continued to fondle the salamander.
2. And thus, dear reader, our story comes to an end.
3. "The fact of the matter is, Mr. Blortchman--can I call you Mongo?--The fact of the matter is that your bladder will simply have to be removed; and the delicate nature of the procedure requires that the operation be carried out with this spoon," said the doctor, waving the aforementioned utensil flagrantly under Mongo's nubile nasal proboscis.
4. Bliffy, the Mediterranean Fruit Fly, whose parents loved him almost as much as yours loved you (until you took out your lesbian aggressions on the family goat), died of malathion poisoning.
5. "Bligh!" exclaimed the three-foot pound cake, as it was smashed into a million tiny pieces for your dining pleasure.
6. As Schligh O'Reilly was swallowed whole by the vicious and unrelenting Blerfwher Beast, he remembered his succulent days as a youth on Flat Hill Farm.
7. You needs to learn good grammar, but I, on the other hand, knows everything.

   From The Adventures of You Lauderdale and I Heisterson

8. The untreated sewage, bright as fresh sod, dripped down the municipal water pipes with a certain malaise and settled into the sink of Moonspice and Chrysanthemum Treehugger, two burnt-out hippie rejects who, in their numerous rendezvous with a certain Mr. Bong, had seen it all but not necessarily tasted it.
9. Although I respect your decision to read this book, I must admit that the carefully chosen words and powerful symbolism contained herein are, in fact, a bunch of crap.
10. Griselda wasn't the most attractive young girl in New Juwal, Maine (a town noted for its large deposits of natural gas), but that didn't stop Uncle Billybob from flossing his teeth every time he spotted her in the community swimming pool and yelling "Shark! Shark!" until she ran, wing floats and all, into his manly, protective arms.
11. The faint beam emanating from the headlights of Chorgh's souped-up 1976 turbo-tricycle was just sufficient to illuminate the image of Blorky, the amphibious African poodle-schnauzer of Chizmana, as he bounced off the handlebars and saved his owners $30 in neutering fees.
12. "What do you want from me?" Candi asked in her squeaky, plastic voice realizing full well that she had nothing to offer.
13. Jessica and Amy sat on the beach towel, like, flipping their bangs and batting their eyelashes at a small scorpion (a, like, total hunk), who didn't seem to respond to their skillful female advances, but, then, no member of the animal kingdom ever did.
14. "It's not that I don't like you, Heddy," said Raymond wistfully, "but I think we both need to recognize that our relationship is becoming a serious threat to both of our drug habits."
15. Thirty years from now, I will have diarrhea, and no one will care.
16. It is said that man has inherent in him certain evil whims, but that's not what Grover McCormack was thinking about as he prepared to amass and eventually display the largest collection of Wayne Newton recordings that Greenland had ever seen.
17. "Yous jes' caint let them wimin know yous is lookin' at 'em," proclaimed Bartholomew the telephone sanitizer and part-time pizza topping preparer haughtily as he burped wetly and caressed his lumpy fatty deposits contentedly.
18. One might think that it is only in one's golden years that one discovers the pleasures awaiting one in dancing with people less than half one's height; yet, en realidad, one should experience this sensation for oneself at one's earliest convenience.
19. Jolly old Mr. Carrot lived in a tree house (wouldn't you like to live in a tree house, too?), and it was there that he brought his victims.
20. "Once I lived in a boat at the bottom of the ocean and talked to the fish and ate seaweed for dinner," said Mr. Carrot, but of course none of the children believed him because everyone knew that he snorted cement mix.

Steve Krause
begun 2.14.94

Quotes

2.13.94

Steve: "You know, shaking my sheets makes quite a bit of noise."
Jacob: "So I've heard."

Laura: "I still remember the day when I realized that boufs come in different sizes."

2.14.94 (3:00am)

Nate: "Steve, I had a dream I was pregnant, and now I have a stomach-ache."

2.18.94

Leena: "Go straight to hell. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200."

3.1.94 (12:01am)

Nate: "Are you going to bed?...Good...I'll come [to bed with you]...too" (Nate talking to his wonderful roommate late at night.)

2.?.94

Ashley['s dad]: "I'm feeling Dijon-vu: the feeling that I've had this mustard before."

3.8.94

Ashley: "I've never done this with a guy before..." (it's not as bad as it sounds)

3.8.94

Steve: "I grabbed it in a different place this time."

3.11.94

Nate: "I think I'll invest in a broom when I get back."
Steve: "So you can fly around?"
Nate: "Yeah..."

3.30.94

Leena: "I'm not very good at this grammar stuff, am I?"

3.30.94

Leena: "Is that grammerical?"

4.2.94

Zeudi: "Where in Hell is Carmen Sandiego?"

4.3.94

Peter: "Where the fuck is Carmen Sandiego?"

4.3.94

Phoebe: "I can't think of a Psych experiment."
Steve: "Well, does it have to be ethical?"

4.4.94 (12:37 am)

Leena: "Advice: Never drink a whole bottle of water before you go to bed.- A public service message."

4.5.94

Nate: "...Corrina."
Kara: "That's Kara."
Nate: "Okay, kill me now."
Steve: "Can I...can I?"
Nate: "Shit!"

4.6.94

Leena: "Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego's luggage?"

4.8.94

Nate: "They're busy writing their feces."
Steve: "I said theses."

4.8.94

Leena: "I had a purpose for a whole 30 seconds."

4.8.94

Steve: "Why do you want to bother [Amy]?"
Leena: "Because I like little people."

4.8.94

Andrew: "I like your hair."
Leena: "Thank you..."
Andrew: "But I don't have my contacts in right now, so it's totally arbitrary..."

4.10.94

Laura: (to Ashley) "It doesn't matter if he's your teacher or not; if he's got a nice butt, he's got a nice butt...that's all there is to it."

4.10.94

Leena: "I think being tickled and having my pinch cheeked..."

4.15.94

Steve: "We're all men here."
Jacob: (from the shower) "I'm not."

4.22.94

Ashley: "Do you think anyone will get mad at me if I wear black socks and white shoes?"

A long time ago...at a meal far, far away...
Justin: "Which river?"
Ashley: "The one that goes to the ocean."
Justin: "That's right little Ashley, all rivers go to the ocean."

4.23.94

Laura: "Oh, I've cleaned many a fridge."

4.23.94

Esther: "You know what? I'm fucked!"

4.23.94

Steve: "It looks better in the dark."

4.23.94

Nate: (to Andrew) "Tell me about your appendage."

4.26.94

Nate: "Actually, I haven't been eating hot-dogs here either."

4.28.94

Jacob: "Well, who knows how long Tom Cruise's hair is at any given moment."

5.7.94

Steve: "My, what mighty big boxes you have there, Laura."
Laura: "All the better to store things in."

5.10.94

Esther: "He squeezed my bun."

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This page was last updated on June 27, 1998.