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A Few Bad Puns

  1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
  2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
  3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
  4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
  5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
  6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
  9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

    And Finally ...
  10. There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Did you hear the one about the optical lens manufacturer?
He accidently fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself!

Did you hear about the guy who had sex with the canary?
He caught a nasty case of chirpies.
And you know what the worst part is?
It's untweetable.

Hear the one 'bout the ax murderer and his two half-brothers?

I understand that there is a mayor in California who is not only in favor of the legalization of marijuana, but who also claims that smoking pot allows one to focus one's conciousness better when driving and the like. He has gone as far as encouraging citizens to smoke marijuana while driving by posting traffic signs reading "no left turn unstoned".

I have to sadly announce that Willie Nelson was killed today... He was playing on the road again...

How about the little tree who tried to determine his parentage... He asked the wise old oak what kind of tree he was. "I don't know," the oak said, "if you're a son of a beech or a son of a birch, but I do know your mother was the greatest piece of ash in this forest."

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner!
What do you get if you eat Uranium?
You get Atomic ache.
What do you call oral sex at a national park?
Old Faceful.
What did the masochistic girl say to her date?
"Slap...or I'll stop you!"
Whats a prophylactic?
A planned parent hood.
What does a shoplifter take for diarrhea?
What do you get when you spray a box of condoms with laughing gas?
Glad bags