S.KRAUSE

Don't Eat While Reading This...

• A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
• A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
• A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
• A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on him self in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the mans poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the mans jewels from the dogs mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
• A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in on of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
• A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling: "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was: "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying:"Whore! Whore! Whore!"
• A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come on back this afternoon. Were having a Butt-luck supper". (How embarrassing is that!)
• An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
• An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she does indeed have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection reveals that she has a mass in her vaginal vault. It is easily removed and looks very much like a potato. It is indeed a potato, the patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
• The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
• A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?"
• A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
• A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "I've been screwing the dog?"