Things You'll Never See in a Fortune Cookie

• "Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time."
• "Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam."
• "Virgin like balloon...one prick, all gone."
• "Baseball wrong...man with four balls cannot walk!"
• "Work to become, not to acquire."
• "Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard."
• "A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose."
• "Find old man in dark, not hard!"
• "Man who smoke pot choke on handle."
• "OK for shit to happen...will decompose."
• "Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."
• "Sailor who gets discharged from Navy leave buddies behind."
• "Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk."
• "Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
• "He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double-crosser."
• "Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
• "It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
• "Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."
• "Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."
• "Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
• "Confucius say too God damn much!"
• "Those who quote me are fools."
• "Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"
• "Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!"
• "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
• "Man who sit on tack get point!"
• "Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"
• "Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"
• "War not determine who's right, war determines who's left."
• "Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit."
• "Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth."
• "Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag."
• "Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face."
• "Passionate kiss like spider web...lead to undoing of fly."
• "Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day."
• "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night."
• "Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing."
• "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."
• "Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent."