Johnny

Mrs. Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a game where one student starts drawing on the board, then one by one others add to it.

She thinks and decides not to start with Johnny, because he is so naughty and always has some "unusual" pictures in mind. So she starts with Anne.

Anne: "This is our house".

Teacher: "Good Anne!" and asks Peter to draw next:

Peter: "This is our house's door".

Teacher:"Very good, Peter" and calls Mary:

Mary: "This is our house roof".

Teacher:"Very nice, Mary" and calls on Stevie:

Stevie: "And this is the sun over our house."

Teacher:"Very nice Stevie" and thinks, there is not much damage that Johnny can do with this picture and asks johnny to come to the board.

Johnny: "And this is my Dad, trying to pick up the soap when he dropped it in the shower.

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One day, little Johnny was sitting on a corner, stirring a bucket of shit. The milkman walked up and said, "Whatcha got there, Johnny?" To which Johnny replied (deep, slow voice is best) "Bucket o' shit."

"Whatcha making?"

"A Milkman."

"Hrummph!" said the Milkman and walked across the street. Next, the Mailman came and said "Whatcha got there Johnny?" "Bucket o' shit."

"Whatcha making?"

"A Mailman."

"Hrummph!" The Mailman walked across the street and began talking to the Milkman. Shortly after, a policeman walked up and had a conversation with the two aggrieved men. He then walked over to Johnny and said, "What do you have there, Johnny?" "Bucket o' shit." "I bet you're making a Policeman."

"Nope, ain't got enough shit."

One day, Johnny was sitting in the library, calmly flicking small ball bearings around the room. Of course, one of the balls hit the librarian square in the forehead. She stood up and glared around the room and said, "Who has the steel balls," to which Johnny gleefully replied "Superman!"

Little Johnny was twelve years old and like other boys of his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to him, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boy friend. This he did. The following morning he described everything to his mother.

"Sis and her boy friend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights, and he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because she started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand under her blouse to feel her heart just like a doctor would, except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding the heart.

"I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. Aboout this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and squirm around. They slid down to the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever, because sis told him she felt really hot.

"Finally, I found out what was making them so sick: A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow.. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

"When sis saw it she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open. She started calling out to god and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

"Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back, then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pants pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

"Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

"After a while, they both got up and gave a great sigh, her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they had killed the eel. i know it was dead, because it just hung ther, limp and some of its insides were hanging out.

"Sis and her boyfreind were a little tired from the battle, but they went to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing again. By Golly, the eel wasn't dead. It jumped straight-up and started to fight again. i guess eels are like cats... they have nine lives.

"This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.. After fifty-five minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was this time because i saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."

Johnny's mother fainted.

Little Johnny came home from school one day and kicked a chicken. (He lives on a farm) His mother saw it and said "Johnny, I saw you kick that chicken and we're having chicken for dinner. As punishment you get no dinner tonight."

Little Johnny then went out to the barn and kicked a cow in his anger. His mother called him to the house and said "Johnny, I saw you kick that cow. You get no milk before bedtime tonight."

Even more upset, he went and sat on the porch. A while later his father came home and kicked the cat that was sleeping on the sidewalk. Johnny walking into the house and said to his mother, "Are YOU going to tell him or am I?"

Johnny had gotten sent home from school because his teacher said that he didn't know the difference between the sexes and it was really disrupting classes.

So when he got home, his mom was pretty frustrated because it had been the third time this month that he had been sent home so far. So she thought to herself, "well I guess I'm going to have to be the one to teach him the difference."

So she said, "Johnny come upstairs with me."

Once they were upstairs she said, "Now Johnny, take off my shoes." And Johnny took off her shoes.

Then she said, "Johnny, now unbutton my blouse." And so he unbuttoned her blouse and then took it off.

Then she said, "Johnny, take off my skirt." And so he did.

Then she said, "Johnny, take off my underwear." and so he did that, too.

Then she said, "Now don't ever wear those to school again."

Johnny wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

S.KRAUSE

Johnny