The rabbit and the snake bumped into each other on the trail, and the snake says "Sorry... but you see, I am blind!". The rabbit replies "Hey, I'm sorry too, but I'm also blind...I've been blind all my life. As a matter of fact, I dont even know what I am!".
The snake says "Really? I dont what I am either! Say, maybe we can help each other out... I'll feel around on you and tell you what are, and then you can do the same for me... Whatdya say?"
Rabbit replies "ok". So, the snake coils up around the Rabbit and says... "Okay...you are fuzzy all over, you got long front legs and short back legs, long ears, and a fuzzy little tail...Why... Little fella, you are a rabbit!"
Well, the rabbit is overjoyed at this profound revelation, and replies in like kind by feeling around on the snake and says...
"Umm...Well, you are cold, slimy all over, and it appears that you crawl on the ground on your belly all the time, and you dont have any balls!... I'm pretty sure you're a lawyer!"
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a layer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?
A minister and a lawyer were chatting at a party. "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?" The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"
Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q.Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
A.The cats keep covering them up with sand.
Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.
Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.
Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
It was cold last winter.
(How cold was it?)
It was so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.