Light Bulb Jokes

Q.: How many (ethnic group) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q.: How many strong (ethnic group) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

Q.: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

Q.: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.

Q.: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.

Q.: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q.: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.

Q.: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Both of them.

Q.: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it.

Q.: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: Billions and billions.

Q.: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q.: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q.: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: Only one, but it sure takes a truckload of light bulbs!

Q.: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q.: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q.: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A.: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q.: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q.: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------ consists of sequences of non-blank characters seperated by blanks".

Q.: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

Q.: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q.: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

Q.: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Q.: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: None. That's a hardware problem.

Q.: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

Q.: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee.

Q.: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

Q.: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.

Q.: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q.: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")

Q.: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Just one, but you need 6000 Soviet troops in case he goes on strike!

Q.: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q.: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q.: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

Q.: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q.: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: That's not funny!

Q.: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q.: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q.: How many (ethnic) gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q.: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: None. It turned itself in.

Q.: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q.: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: How many can you afford?

Q.: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q.: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: None. There never *was* any light bulb.

Q.: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!

Q.: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

Q.: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q.: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.

Q.: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q.: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.

Q.: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

Q.: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Who says it's dark?

Q.: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q.: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.

Q.: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A.: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super- high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

Q.: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Q.: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A.: Many hands make light work.

Q.: How many Medical School students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.

S.KRAUSE

Light Bulb Jokes