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The Night Before Christmas

Version 1

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty, even the mouse!

Dad at the whore house, Mom smoking grass,
and I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

Then out on the lawn there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew right away that fat fucker fell.

He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with one hell of a fart,
that son-of-a-bitch blew my chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight,
"Piss on you all and have one hell of a night."

Version 2

It was a month before Christmas, and just for a stunt
Santa had his face buried in Mrs. Claus' cunt
There was a loud noise and Santa Jumped with a start
It seemed Mrs. Claus had cut loose with one hell of a fart
All Santa could do was gag and to spit
His face and his beard were all plastered with shit
Mrs. Claus was still on the bed, panting and groanin'
Hollering for Santa to try and get his bone in
Santa started laughing and shouting, and with a loud cheer
Said I know what to do, I'll screw one of the deer
They're cleaner and neater, and don't you suppose
I'll be just the right height if I stand on my toes
Santa ran from the barn Shaking his head at the noise
Saying Jesus Christ, how'd I know they were all boys
It was getting about time to head for the south
Santa hoping he could get rid of the taste in his mouth
As the reindeer proceeded to line up in fours
Santa hollered "Merry Christmas Mrs. Claus this vibrator's yours!"
As Santa and his sleigh streaked into the sky
He said you may not be able to fuck yourself, but why don't you try
While Santa rode in the night, his ass frozen to the sled
He started thinking of Mrs. Claus at home in her warm bed
Santa spun in midair and headed back to the pole
They say he never got farther from that hairy old hole
The moral of this story will end with this bit
Any job that you do, you just have to take shit.