One-Liners
I've collected the following quotes/puns from a few places online. I find them amusing.
One-Liners
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- Two wrongs do not make a right, but four rights don't get you anywhere.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
- Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- Always try to be modest. And be darn proud of it!
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand....
- Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
- Death to all fanatics!
- Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
- Do not take rat poison from the hand that criticizes you.
- Chastity is curable, if detected early.
- Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
- Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
- Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 47 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- It has been determined that research causes cancer in rats.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- Of course, when discussing the shelf-life of Twinkies, the limiting factor is the life of the shelf
- Erotic is using a feather, Kinky is using the whole chicken
- Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- Now remember: rape, pillage, and burn. And for Thor's sake, let's get the order right this time!
- Incorrigible Punster, Do Not Incorrige
- Invertebrate punster, spinelessly unable to resist a pun so slug me!
- 667, the neighbor of the beast!
- Mop And Glow, Official Floor Wax Of The Chernobyl Clean Up Team
- Assasins Inc. We Aim to Please
- Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do. - Bertrand Russell
- 333 -- Eric the half-a-Beast
- Evolution: life's a niche and then you die.
- This score just in: Deep Space 9, Babylon 5.
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- Smith and Wesson: the original point and click interface.
- Falls don't kill people. It's the deceleration trauma.
- To err is human, to moo, Bovine.
- We have gone from "Lean and Mean" to "Anorexic and Psychotic"
- Slit your wrists - It will lower your blood pressure
- Promises are like babies: fun to make but hell to deliver
- Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
- GYPSY DWARF ESCAPES JAIL: Small Medium at Large...