S.KRAUSE

The Redneck's Tale

Long before the first cat hat was donned, the first cherry-bomb muffler installed, or the first pop-top bracelet created, Rednecks roamed the earth.

Nobody knows exactly where they came from or who the first one was. Maybe they descended from a caveman who liked to scratch a lot while admiring the prehistoric kill of the day, or maybe a Roman soldier who put taps on his sandals and fuzzy dice on his chariot. Regardless of their roots, today they not only survive, they flourish.

A common misconception is that Rednecks are confined to warmer climates and speak with a southern accent, but nothing could be further from the truth. Rednecks are very durable characters and can adapt to any climate (with the help of flannel and chenille).

Redneck is not a term of derision; it's a state of mind.

"YOU" MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF..."

• You ever cut your grass and found a car.
• You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
• You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
• Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
• You own a homemade fur coat.
• Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
• You burn your yard rather than mow it.
• Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
• You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
• You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
• Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
• Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
• Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
• Birds are attracted to your beard.
• Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
• You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
• You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
• You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberatley.
• Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
• You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
• You clean your fingernails with a stick.
• Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
• You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
• You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
• Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
• You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
• There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
• The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
• There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
• You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
• You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
• You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
• You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
• Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
• You've ever bought a used cap.
• Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
• You pick your teeth from a catalog.
• You've ever financed a tatoo.
• You've ever stolen toilet paper.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
• People hear your car a long time before they see it.
• The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
• You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
• You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
• You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
• You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
• You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
• You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
• You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
• You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
• You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
• Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
• Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
• You own a denim leisure suit.
• You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
• Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
• You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
• Your family tree does not fork.
• You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
• You have a rag for a gas cap.
• The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
• You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
• You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
• You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."
• You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
• Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
• You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
• After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
• Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
• All of your four letter words are two syllables.
• You've ever been too drunk to fish.
• You cut your toenails in front of company.
• You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
• Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
• Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
• You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
• Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
• You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
• You can spit without opening your mouth.
• You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
• You call your boss "dude".
• You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
• You have grease under your toenails.
• You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
• Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
• You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
• You've ever worn a tube top to a weeding.
• You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
• You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
• You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.