The following quiz should be easy for anyone who has been keeping up with the war between the Church of Scientology and the Internet. An answer key is included. The answers may be verified by reading the sacred scripture known as OT III, which, although allegedly copyrighted and a trade secret, is widely available on the Internet. The answers may also be checked against the 1990 Los Angeles Times expose of Scientology which is reprinted in Scamizdat #5, and appears on various anti-Scientology web sites. For the exact text of OT III (shhhh! It's a secret!), look in the newsgroup alt.religion.scientology for back issues of Scamizdat or the Fishman affidavit.
1: a. Earth was called Teegeeack. Ipecac is an emetic: a medicine used to induce vomiting. Hackensack is a town in New Jersey.
2: b. The ruler's name was Xenu. Xenix is a Unix-like operating system. Zima is an adult malt beverage.
3: b. Incident II occurred 75 million years ago. A mere 75,000 years ago, the Earth was pretty much the same as it is today. Light years are a measure of distance, not time.
4: c. The beings were injected with a water and glycol mixture. Sodium hypochlorite and NaOH are the main ingredients of Liquid Plumr, a drain unclogger. Pyrethrins are the active ingredient in Raid, a household insecticide.
5: a. Xenu deposited the bodies on 20 volcanos around the planet, and blew them up with H-bombs. Ribbons of pure energy were used to collect the thetans afterward. Beans and rice are served in the RPF, Scientology's version of a prison camp.
6: c. The implanting was done in Hawaii (and also Las Palmas.) The space station with the cool bar is, of course, Deep Space 9. Lots of weird things are located at the norh pole, but the only known workshop there is Santa's.
7: c. The thetans were forced by Xenu's henchmen to watch confusing movies for 36 days. Studying Dianetics and reading awful science fiction are two of the practices of the Church of Scientology. Of course, the Scientologists aren't told it's fiction.
8: b. Scientology's founder, L. Ron Hubbard, was not known to wear lingerie. Body thetans are disembodied spirits, though in some ways they can be considered the spiritual equivalent of lice.
9: a. Body thetans think they are parts of our bodies, such as a liver. They also sometimes think they are other body thetans.
10: a. "Freewheeling through the implant" can supposedly cause pneumonia. Allergies were one of Hubbard's own afflictions, and a stroke is what finally killed him.
10 points: Attest to OT III, level 1. You are a God among men. On to level 2.
9 points: Potential Sea Org material. Continue auditing.
8 points: Clam in training. You may buy another book or tape.
5-7 points: Preclear. Keep reading. And no yawning!!
2-4 points: You are in a condition of Liability. For amends, wash my car.
0-1 points: Raw meat. Would you like to take a free personality test?