S.KRAUSE

The Shit List

THE GHOST SHIT

The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT

The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT

You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT

This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT

Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT

No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT

The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NORORIUS DRINKER SHIT

The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT

The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT

Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT

That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT

A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER

This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER

This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL

This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT

A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT

This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

"HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT

This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER

A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER

Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER

A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT

This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT

Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL

A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER

A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position--usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT

This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered, and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT

This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT

An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT

Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA

Fear of shitting--can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs. DURACELL SHIT

Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT

The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT

This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT

The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT

Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT

The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT

When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT

When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT

Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT

Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.