S.KRAUSE

Torture Test

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he has eaten anything besides what he could forage and he has been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answers. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?"

The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal nor sleep since that time.. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters, "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"OK, OK," the man said as he entered the old house. "Besides," he thought to himself, "what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?"

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning, the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying :

"1st worst Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying:

"2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying:

"3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."