S.KRAUSE

Twelve days of Christmas

1st.DAY
My dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree! What a truly delightful gift. Thank you 'Darling' for the lovely thought.
        With deep love & affection
        Your everloving Agnes!

2nd DAY
My Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift ---- Two Turtle Doves, I am Delighted. They are adorable!
        All my love,
        Your everloving Agnes!

3rd DAY
Dearest John,
Oh! How extravagent you are! I really must protest! I dont deserve such generosity! Three french hens I insist....you are too kind
        Your loving Agnes!

4th DAY
Dearest John,
The four calling birds that I received today are lovely, and should be good company for the hens, doves and partridges! I really must consider getting an aviary!
        Kind regards, Agnes!

5th DAY
Dear John,
What a surprise ... today the postman delivered Five Gold Rings!- One for every finger. You are really impossible, but I love you. Frankly though, all the birds are beginning to sqwark and get on my nerves!
        Regards Agnes!

6th DAY
Dear Johnathon!,
When I open the door this morning there were actually six bloody great geese laying eggs ALL over the porch! What in hell do you expect me to do with all of them?? The neighbors are beginning to complain and I can't sleep! PLEASE STOP!!!!
        Cordially Yours Agnes!

7th DAY
JOHN!
What is it with you and these rotten birds??? Now I get SEVEN SWANS ARE SWIMMING!!!!!!!!!! IS THIS SOME SORT OF A GODDAMMED JOKE????? The house is full of BIRD SHIT and IT IS NOT FUNNY ANY MORE!!! Stop sending these bloody Birds!!!!!
        Yours Agnes!

8th DAY
O.K. BUSTER,
I THINK I PREFER THE GODAMMED BIRDS.... WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT BLOODY MAIDS-A-MILKING?????? AS IF IT WASNT ENOUGH WITH ALL THE F..KING BIRDS!! NOW I HAVE EIGHT COWS TO SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE AND MOO ALL NIGHT.......
        AGNES!

9th DAY
LOOK DICKHEAD!
WHAT ARE YOU???? SOME KIND OF NUT???? NOW YOU SEND ME NINE PIPERS PLAYING AND THEY NEVER F..KING WELL STOP!!! WHEN THEY ARE NOT PLAYING THEIR BLOODY PIPES THEY KEEP CHASING THE MAIDS THROUGH THE COW SHIT. THE COWS KEEP MOOING AND TREADING ALL OVER THE BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS ARE NOW THREATENING TO HAVE ME EVICTED...GET KNOTTED!
        AGNES!

10th DAY
YOU ROTTEN BASTARD!
NOW I HAVE TEN LADIES DANCING....HOW ON EARTH ANY ONE CAN CALL THE WHORES, "LADIES", IS BEYOND ME!! THEY SPEND ALL NIGHT PULLING THE BLOODY PIPERS!!! THE COWS HAVE DIARRHOEA AND CAN'T SLEEP. MY LIVING ROOM IS A SEA OF SHIT. THE LANDLORD HAS JUST DECLARED THE BUILDING UNFIT FOR HABITATION..MINE OR THE ANIMALS'!!! PISS OFF....
        AGNES!

11th DAY
LISTEN SHITFACE,
WITH ELEVEN LORDS A-LEAPING ALL OVER THE MAIDS A-MILKING, WELL, WE SHALL NEVER WALK AGAIN!!!! THE PIPERS ARE FIGHTING THE LORDS FOR A BIT OF TIT AND COMITTING SODOMY WITH THE COWS!!! THE BIRDS HAVE ALL BEEN TRAMPLED TO DEATH AND ARE ROTTING IN THE SHIT HAVING BEEN TRAMPLED IN THE ORGY!! I HOPE YOU ARE SATISFIED ...YOU BASTARD!!!!
        YOUR SWORN ENEMY AGNES!

12th DAY
YOU STINKING LOUSY P...K!
THE TWELVE DRUMMERS DRUMMING HAVE TEAMED UP WITH THE ELEVEN LORDS A-LEAPING IN MAKING ONE HELL OF A RACKET. BOTH LOTS HAVE BEEN BUGGERING THE PIPERS AS WELL AS THE COWS.... AND WHO KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MAIDS. THEY HAVE PROBABLY DROWNED IN THE COW SHIT BY NOW!!!! THE ONLY WAY I HAVE SAVED MYSELF IS TO LOCK MYSELF IN THE BATHROOM AND TO HIDE IN THE PEARTREE WHICH HAS NOW GROWN THROUGH THE ROOF! THEY GOT ME BEFORE I COULD GET THE DOOR LOCKED! I'M PREGNANT!!! YOU ROTTEN BASTARD! THANK GOD IT IS FINALLY CHRISTMAS.....
        AGNES!