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Last Year in Spam

It's not quite the year in spam but rather the end-of-December in spam. Probably as part of attempts to get past spam-filters spam writers trying to sell pills and stock and such have resorted to non-sensical text that would make the Postmodernism Generator blush.

The text-heavy, image-attachment emails are insane. Time to jack, for in the morning Mr. Acton came to see him—are we talking about a drug-incuded pseudo-cyberpunk effort here? I'm waiting for a matrix and implants and run-on sentences galore.

From: mrachaldk@inmoesuri.com
Subject: Thanks again
Date: December 28, 2006 3:19:21 PM CST
To: Anika

Time to jack, for in the morning Mr. Acton came to see him, having "another proof, another proof! the work goeswinged monkeys to carry you to the gates of the emerald city," said the guidance of my boys, said Mrs. Jo, rising; for the words had been at her feet, saying, half tenderly, half reproachfully, "let me keep you stay a little longer?"

Busied with friends, miss celia could not help promenades of a different sort, along muddy roads and sodden fields. Being the case, there is plenty for the "superfluous women" to do, aren't sneered at half as much as they used to be, since some of them provoking smile on the boyish face that was always very comical were very gay, so was baden-baden, where Fred lost some money, and herself by their teaching. Away.

"Horse," replied the boy, carelessly.

Brakes that fringed the knoll one had glimpses of hill and valley, farm-houseswith the princess in the cooling shade. The facts and left witnesses to prove the truth of his story; but for four -- "smoking not allowed there, i'll go and stop it." His way at last. Look for the silver lining, as Marmee used to say, and meat, but the dog was the stronger, and ate it all himself. Was this wrong?

Scarecrow and the tin woodman had also assisted her; but the cowardly lion, in the emerald throne, a most lovely lady. She was dressed in green silk. "When I prescribe such rubbish, i'll give," asked the momentous question, how gratefully Phebe had given the desired look like tidy jails, with their outside shutters. Several have crape on right, "what will you have?" Treasures as if half their sacredness was gone; and, making a strong effort, dare to offer charity. Yet there are a thousand ways of helping them, if there was the charm of novelty about this sort of wooing, and she brings a mother to her sick child's pillow; for long experience as nurse. "Yes, and daisy and nan must take good care of you. Be at the bars. At him heels over head, having rapidly earned to understand the signs neglected.

Do that sort of thing, instead of cuddling cats and lapdogs." Moved to free her mind in a way that made a deep impression on the saw how his face brightened over some quaint fancy, delicate description, of blows or cries, till ready to move on. Expressing great admiration days were as mild as spring. A rollicking north wind and occasional servants and china pell-mell into the coalbin. But once get used boo on the sled; and she knew what it was to need a mother, these things are valued, admired, and sought for: and who dream, that one day, Xi'an will take the place of New York and become Sydney off to his den, leaving the girls to telegraph to one another but he didn't do it; he merely smiled and stood there asking questions of the death-bed, and that would be rather out of place in this gay adventure: "I love that shirt. Be ashamed and sorry by and by."

Become acquainted with all its branches. This branch, however, she to have her little girl at home again. "About from the wooden buttons on the back-doors, to the silver urn going to be satisfied with such frivolous parts as you give us," spoke, uttered no complaint, asked no sympathy, but tranquilly observed are to begin again, so come soon and tell me all your doings and these things are valued, admired, and sought for. And who that works wonders, for it made full purses suddenly weigh little voice, that now appeared at table, for both the cooks were on their wash it till she comes. maybe it's nothing; don't look so now, John. "The happiest fly."

The masochist in me wants to read this and find a coherent narrative. The pretentious wanker in me wants to do that and, upon failing, rewrite the text to make sense, treating it as a manuscript in need of massive editorial intervention.

The massive nonsensical text spams are not always so massive; occasionally they are just a short paragraph or two, and when that is the case, they do truly come close to making sense. Hart Crane plunged into the bounding main—sounds like a good beginning to me.

This one is a book notice merged with pregnancy information, and when our artworks are our children the metaphor is at hand and not out of place.

From: FRIDA POWERS (oqvxgx@benrob.co.uk)
Subject: enigmatic
Date: December 28, 2006 5:03:22 AM CST

Poet Henry Taylor's latest book, Brief Candles, is a collection of clerihews including this one: Hart Crane plunged into the bounding main.

Quiz Boy or Girl Quiz Pregnancy Week by Week -- 25 Signs of Pregnancy. Is it twins? The best way of doing this is to make sure you promote your merchant's bestsellers and as your affiliate manager for Forzieri, it's my job to make sure you have easy access to these products. When can you have sex after a baby? So, are you having a girl or a boy? We celebrate each others painful, horrific deaths by keeping tallies, running headlines, smiling in the streets.

And then we have the scam-spams, those emails full of uppercase letters, letters from IMPORTANT PEOPLE trying to give me LOTS OF MONEY. Ah, the “El GORDO SWEEPSTAKE LOTTERY”—el Gordo Sweepstake Lottery? Oh, Ed McMahon, no need yet to fear for your job.

From: DR@wiscmail.wisc.edu, euro-afro-lottery@myway.com
Date: December 27, 2006 8:05:48 AM CST
Reply-To: michael2_collins@yahoo.co.uk

TELE:0034- 678189176.
REF NO: EGS/0007459015/03
BATCH NO:17/7024/IPD


WE are pleased to inform you of the release of the results of the EL GORDO SWEEPSTAKE LOTTERY /INTERNATIONAL PROGRAM held on the 17th of December,2006. IN SPAIN.

Your name attached to ticket number 777-52104543-094 with serial number 3113-55 drew the lucky numbers 1-22-16-78-39-10 which consequently won the lottery in the 3rd category.

You have therefore been approved for a lump sum payout of 1.515,810.00 (ONE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED AND TEN EUROS ONLY ) in cash credited to file REFERENCE NO:EGS/0007459015/06.This is from a total cash prize of 20,768,770.00(TWENTY MILLION SEVEN HUNDRED AND SIXTY EIGHT THOUSAND,SEVEN HUNDRED AND SEVENTY EUROS ONLY) shared among the seventeen international winners in this categoryCONGRATULATIONS!!!

Your fund is now deposited with a security company insured to your name. Due to mixed up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep this award from public notice until your claim has been processed and your money remitted to your nominated account as this is a part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unwarranted taking advantage of this program by participants.

All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 25,000 names from Asia, Australia, New Zealand, Europe and North America,USA, as part of our international promotions program which we conduct once every year. We hope that with a part of your prize , you will take part in our end of year high stake US$1.3 billion International lottery.

To begin your lottery claim please contact your claims agent, Foreign operations MR MICHAEL COLLINS, Email:michael2_collins@yahoo.co.uk for processing and remittance of your prize money to a designated account of your choice. Remember that all prize money must be claimed not later than 31th of DECEMBER, 2006 After this date all funds will be returned to the Ministry de Economic y Hacienda as unclaimed.

NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary delays there be any change of your address, please do inform your claims agent, please remember to quote your reference and batch numbers in every correspondence with us or your agent Furthermore should there be any change of your address, do inform your claims agent as soon as possible.
Congratulations again from all members of our staff and thank you for being a part of our promotions Program. Sincerely.

Oh No! A mixed up of some numbers and names ... I should keep this private for now, you know, just between me and the kind lottery folks, who have my best interest at heart. I had better send then a bank account number and my Social Security Number ASAP so that I can get my 1.515,810.00 Euros ... if only I knew what the mix of commas and periods meant.

The least I can do is follow this up with a message of holiday cheer from our friendly neighborhood fundies, the founder of Live Prayer, B. Keller, a distant cousin of R. Kelly.

From: b.keller@liveprayer.org
Subject: Merry Christmas
Date: December 24, 2006 5:56:49 AM CST

My Friend,

On behalf of my wife Nan and I, and the ministry team here at Live Prayer, may you and your family have a most blessed celebration of our Lord's birth, and a new year full of peace, love, and God's richest blessings!

I have a special Christmas card waiting for you.

Visit: http://liveprayer.org/mc6/index.cfm?i=41112&r=815962

B. Keller
Founder, Live Prayer

The following serves no purpose. Thank you Dalei Zhang, who provided a URL but no links to spoofed sites, requests for information, or attached images advertising unnatural male enhancement. It's nearly zen-spam.

From: transpacjob@yahoo.com.cn
Subject: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Date: December 24, 2006 2:02:43 PM CST

Transpac wishes you

Merry Christmas
and a
New Year bright with Happiness and Prosperity!

Warm wishes,
Dalei Zhang

Dalei Zhang (David Zhang) Business Manager
Transpac Technology Inc.
Rm.607 XueZhiXuan Building XueQing Road
Haidian District Beijing P.R.China
Tel:+86-10-82755645 ext.789, +86-10-82755646
E-mail: dalei@transpac.com.cn

Speaking of spoofing and phishing ... the end of the semester provided me with this transparent attempt. After all, a link to a pif file is so dangerous on my unix box ...

What is so silly and sad, however, is that there are probably stupid undergrad, grads, and faculty who actually fell for this, and only slightly less sad are those who emailed DoIT asking whether or not this is legit.

From: abuse@wisc.edu
Subject: Account Alert
Date: December 20, 2006 11:31:35 PM CST

Dear Valued Member,

According to our terms of services, you will have to confirm your e-mail by the following link, or your account will be suspended within 24 hours for security reasons.


After following the instructions in the sheet, your account will not be interrupted and will continue as normal.

Thanks for your attention to this request. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Sincerely, Wisc Abuse Department

Thank you, Wisc Abuse Department, for your noble efforts to keep my email account secure. What would I do without you?

—January 3 2007