Weird Textbook Quotes

edited by
Steve Krause

Seemingly dry and witless, textbooks are actually sources of hidden mirth and wisdom, as almost everyone knows. The following quotes show the range, and absurdity, of "textbook humor."

• The universe is a place of great variety- after all, it has everything in it!
  • from Pasachoff, Jay M., Astronomy: From the Earth to the Universe (Hartcourt Brace College Publishers: Orlando, 1993) p3.
• Since Saturn's density is lower of that of water, it would float, like Ivory Soap, if we could find a big enough bathtub. But it would leave a ring.
  • from Pasachoff, p225.
• To steal tapirs is not nice.
  • from Hansen, Hardy and Gerald M. Quinn, Greek, an Intensive Course (Fordham University Press: New York, 1992) p133.
• The tough man being eaten by the Cyclops caused him considerable digestive difficulties.
  • from Hansen, p221.
• There is no hope for the conquered.
  • from Hansen, p221.
• I saw the bear writing a letter at my desk.
  • from Hansen, p221.
• Sex is undoubtedly the world's oldest recreational activity...(footnote) But see Scott, Australian Sport Booms World Wide, Christian Sc. Monitor, Sept. 5, 1989, at 14, col I (reporting that Australians claim that this honor belongs to throwing boomerangs).
  • from Harvard Law Reivew, Vol. 104 p.1660, 1991.
• ...White could hold on to the white vote in the face of a popular white opponent.
  • from Lasser, William, Perspectives on American Government: A Comprehensive Reader. (D.C. Heath and Company: Lexington, 1992) p688.
• The mathematicians are on some kind of terrible ego trip and they will destroy your mind.
  • from Gleick, James, Chaos. (Penguin: New York, 1987) p52.
• As it turns out, rape in mallards is pathological.
  • from Culture and Human Sexuality A Reader. ed. David N. Suggs and Andrew W. Miracle (Brooks/Cole Publishing: Pacific Grove, 1993) p61.

Phoebe/Leena Quotes & Jokes

Who is more Gullible? Who is more Credible?

Leena: Phoebe, are you mad at me?!?
Phoebe: Yes. (Leena believes her)

Stuart: What did you do with your last roommate?
Leena: I buried her. They told me to wait until she stopped screaming, but I'm too impatient. (Phoebe gets "scared")

Leena convinces Phoebe that Leena was a cat in her past life.

Leena tries to stuff Phoebe in a box.

Phoebe and others succeed in putting Leena in a box. Steve, seeing Leena's feet sticking out of the box (placed inverted on top of Leena) asks: "Leena, are you in there?"

Leena and others tell Phoebe that Professor Flapan at Pomona wrote the world famous Flapan Theory. Phoebe believes them. When her gullibility is revealed, Phoebe flushes raspberry and runs out of the room.

Leena lectures Phoebe on keeping the door locked always so stuff doesn't get stolen. 5 minutes later Leena says: "I'm just going down to say bye to my bro-in-law. I don't have a key. Leave the door open."

Phoebe convinces Leena that the laundry machines in M-B are way harder to operate than those in Walker. Leena ponders why.

Phoebe: "No, Leena, I really do think you are a bitch. And let me tell you something..." (Leena's eyes are as large as saucers) Phoebe: "A couple of days ago..." (Phoebe bursts out laughing)

Leena, in Phoebe's face, screams loudly: "Aaaahh!!!" Phoebe, scared witless and into a bright raspberry, screams back a high-pitched scream of terror: "Aaahh!!!"

Phoebe, to Leena: "What's it like to be brown?" In reference to her fair skin, Phoebe comments something that she won't let [Leena] here about glowing in the dark.

Andrew: "Do you wear anything?"
Phoebe: "Nope."

Leena: "The only thing I know is that I just don't know." (1/20/94)

Leena asks Phoebe her plans for Feb. 30. Phoebe considers for a long while what she'd be doing on that Wednesday until Steve finally tells her that there never [is] a Feb. 30.

Nate to Phoebe: "So don't worry about feeling like a bitch."
Nathaniel: "Yeah, don't feel like a bitch, just act like one."
Phoebe to Nathaniel: "Will you get out of my room?"

How I Learned How Gullible I Am

by Leena J. Ved
Edited by Steven P. Krause

One day, when I was three I discovered that my sister took some change that I had saved up without asking me. When I got angry, she told me not to worry, because money grows on trees. At first I didn't believe her, but she did a great job of convincing me.

The next day, I got a quarter, a dime, a nickel and a penny from my mom, and I buried them in the back yard. Daily, I would go check on my "money tree!" Unfortunately, I made the mistake of telling my sister where I buried the coins.

A few days later I found that all of the coins were gone. I told my sister, and she accompanied me to the backyard to recheck. When she saw the empty hole, she pointed to a weed growing next to the whole, and explained to me that the coin "seeds" grew into this. However, this time I didn't believe her, and I asked for my coins back.

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This page is written and maintained by Steve Krause. © Steve Krause. All rights reserved. For more information, email hyperion47@excite.com.

This page was last updated on June 27, 1998.